You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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