She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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