i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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