proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
