I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
