i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
