i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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