I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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