for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
