and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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