Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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