I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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