She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How external is "for external use only"?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
