the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I pour the whiskey from now on
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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