i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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