I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
