i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
