that's an acceptable place to lick
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
