we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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