Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
