A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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