even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
