I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
