I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
