Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
