there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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