i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize