watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I supernannyed him into submission
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
