Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
