i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
