the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
