my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
