I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
