last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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