Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
