Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize