perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
