i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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