I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize