you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
