Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
