wanna go halves on a baby?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize