he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
