Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize