my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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