I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
