She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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