is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
