She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
