I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
