you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
