2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
