I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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