My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
